So, I mentioned in my previous blog post that I wanted to actually write a blog post every month. You’ll notice that I wrote the January blog post on the first day of the month, and I am now writing the February blog post on the last day of the month. The reason why that is is because… life happened. Both January and February of this year have been extremely difficult for me in my academic life: in January, I struggled immensely with TAing for the first time, and then at the end of January, my PhD advisor suddenly dropped me which was difficult emotionally, academically, and logistically. I had to withdraw from one of my classes (the midterm was three days after this happened and I was not in an emotional state to take an exam), I had to drop the research project I had been developing for seven months, and I had to search for a new advisor. So what does this have to do with Reason to Be?
At the start of the year, I was excited and ambitious: my goal was going to be pore over every detail of the script this year, produce at least one if not two more presentations, and prepare myself to submit to festivals and workshops in 2027. I even set up this paperclip-based productivity system to make sure I was working on my musical. It worked for a little while, but then after my PhD advisor dropped me, I became super depressed and all I did was play Balatro (video game) to numb the pain. I went through a small academic identity crisis, and at one point I even contemplated if I should leave grad school and look for a job in New York and do what all the other aspiring musical theater writers do.
Then I thought back to the core line of Reason to Be: “This is how I choose my fate.” And I realized that even after all the many struggles I’ve had in academia (iykyk), I still choose to be a scientist. And I realized that if I want to continue being a scientist, I need to focus my efforts towards that. Sometimes that means reading papers instead of analyzing scores. Sometimes it just means doing nothing or relaxing to rest my brain.
When I expressed disappointment at not being able to write my musical for the time being, some people said: “theater will always be there.” At first, I thought this was kind of bogus. I thought, yeah, theater will always be there, but if I’m not writing my musical then it’s collecting dust and not getting any better. But then I realized: it’s actually very special how my muscial is allowed to collect dust for a bit. It’s sort of loyal in that way, in the way that academia is not. I have been working on my musical since October 2022 and now it’s Feburary 2026, so about 3.5 years. This musical has outlasted every other project I’ve ever worked on and even many of my personal relationships. There will be a time, perhaps in the summer, when I can fully focus on my muscial. But for now, I think I need to take it easy and not put so much pressure on myself.
The other thing I realized is that Reason to Be can actually get better even if I’m not actively working on it. Reason to Be is embedded with my philosophy and ideas about what the world is and what it should be, and that is shaped by my everyday experiences. As I develop my understanding of the world, the story will improve. Even without me lifting a finger. When the time comes to write, it will be better.
That being said, I have worked on Reason to Be a little bit. I am planning on rewriting >50% of the story yet again, and will make some more small tweaks to existing content. I am about a third done with writing the new content. I have all the ideas, but I am finding it difficult to get in a writing headspace in my current situation. But once I sort out my PhD situation I’m confident that the direction I’m taking the story in will be a positive one. I’m being vague on purpose because I don’t want to share it when it’s not ready yet! Though, I will give a sneak preview. Here are some revised lyrics from “Reason to Be,” which replace the section of “Reason to Be” from “Tell me why I live and die…” (Ode to Joy section) until the end:
What’s the meaning of a life when children cry and planets die?
Headlines churn while cities burn and I’m left asking why
I sit here, drinking my coffee and Streaming,
Half in the grave and half dreaming.
Dreaming of me at the keys.
But seems like the hands don’t agree.
‘Cause how can you play when machines play like Chopin never died?
How can you play “Jingle Bells” when it hasn’t snowed for years?
How can you live, when you lived playing?
God, I never believed,
But if you’re out there,
Or anyone, please, hear this loud prayer:
Give me a reason to be!
Give me a reason to be!
I’m also mostly done writing this new song “Why Make Music?” and I just started writing this other new song “In Search of A Piano and A Way to Call a Friend.” The first one is sung by a new character and replaces “Song Inside My Heart,” and the second is sung by Val and Company and replaces “Outside.” What could these songs be about?